What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 07:31
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
All the time i was locked up.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He knew the spot.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot live in the past .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im still living with it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Women like what they hear while men like what they see, it that true?
She wouldn,t have been !
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do the majority of feminists hate men (not all feminists)?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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We all went to grammer schools
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was scared of men, in general
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were not on the streets..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
(And it was in our own minds.)
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Would this be the day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She found it foreign!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Comes on , in middle age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It was going to be , some day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was in good health!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My life is so biszare .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I couldn’t, believe it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And i lived it daily.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She loved him until the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I will be 64.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So, i spoilt her more .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But it wasn’t much.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She married twice! .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was seconnd youngest,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was very sick at this time too.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was 9 years of age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I waited trembling.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!